The Building Game
It seems odd that, in this period of recession and the need for affordable housing, none of the Building Barons has spotted the answer provided within the humble tale of Jack and the Beanstalk.
For the price of a cow, Jack obtains several beans. All he does is plant them and watch them grow. And what is the end product? The result is not just a 100ft runner bean (surely a marvellous cropper) but – and here's the clever bit – A HOUSE ON TOP, of castle dimensions and complete with own jack-of-all-trades giant. True, he's not highly regarded in the looks department and has an uncertain temperament, but he can certainly wield a pretty big broom.
(We discount the standard explanation that the castle and giant, who has been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks, are actually on a convenient cloud right above a randomly planted seed as that just doesn't work. You know how it is with clouds – here today, Manchester tomorrow. The logical alternative is outlined below.)
The only other expenses Geo Wimpey need lay out are for a lift for the elderly and probably more plumbing than the norm, although the beanstalks themselves in their natural state already provide a water-raising system.
Some problems that are never adequately explained in the panto version will have to be tackled. Just where do all the, er, giant-sized flushings go from a house built high above your back garden? Needs sorting out; someone walking underneath at the wrong moment… There would be complaints to the council.
Despite the drawbacks, a row of beans planted at intervals would soon give rise to an estate of inexpensive dwellings with superb views.
Having discounted the Passing Cloud theory, the only possible explanation for a castle on top and resident ogre is that they are genetically present within the bean seed itself. Once the magic bean genome has been mapped, genetic modifications can be effected by scientists to produce smaller, more bijou residences with more placid giants programmed not to hum Fee Fie Fo Fum all day. And maybe a garage could be incorporated into the design just above the rootball.
One major snag remains to be overcome – again, glossed over or even totally ignored in the staged versions – just what happens to the bean after the growing season? Will it, given a strong enough support system of beanpoles, stay up all winter or will it wither and die in autumn? If the latter, then it would be best not to linger in the garage – or put the Porsche in it.
